he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize