You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
