A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
