Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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