u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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