I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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