I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
