Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Randomize
