He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
