don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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