How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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