It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
