I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
