everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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