Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
