I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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