capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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