Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
