Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
