There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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