Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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