You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
