So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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