allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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