When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
So many bounce houses so little time
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
