Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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