Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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