worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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