i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
