Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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