I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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