so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize