I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
