Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
