Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
