Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
