I just pynch a tree in the face
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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