We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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