dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
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