I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
