i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
