My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
