just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
