with your own penis?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize