I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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