Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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