I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
