wakey wakey hands off snakey
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
