what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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