Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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