insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
