I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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