Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
