Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
