I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
