my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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