Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
