Banned from zoo.
Again?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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