he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
