we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
