Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize